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4. What drug?
From your tip-off or observations, do you know what
drug(s) are involved? Don't overlook the involvement
of alcohol, which causes more teenage problems than
most other drugs. For signs and symptoms see [link].
5. What harm?
This is important. Has any harm happened to your
son or daughter recently? It doesn't matter whether
harm is caused by the drug use or not. We want to
prevent harm, whatever the cause.
When a person uses drugs, there is often a honeymoon
period during which the drug use causes little or
no visible harm. It is easier to intervene when
there is visible harm to focus on.
6. What age?
As young people grow in age from 8 to 18, they also
grow in independence and we hope that they grow
in responsibility too. At 14 or 15, some are still
quite biddable and will generally do what we ask
or tell them to do. At the same age, others are
quite independent, wanting as much freedom as an
18 year old.
Many young people will be offered an illegal drug
sooner or later, and parents will not be present
when this happens.
When a young person is 8 or 12 years of age, the
parents bear a lot of responsibility for knowing
where they are, keeping an eye on them, preserving
them from harm. As the young person grows in independence,
we have to remind them that they have to take responsibility
for their own future, for their well-being and safety.
If somebody offers them a drug, they (and not the
parents) have to take responsibility for their response.
7. You know best.
Intervention can take a variety of styles, and you
must choose which is right for you.
8. Intervention.
Four elements in a successful intervention:
First, indicate your care and
concern:
Let them know that you are concerned, and why.
If there has been some sort of harm, name it.
If you have discovered that they have tried a
drug, let them know that you know.
Second, stick to facts:
Keep your focus on visible facts, such as drugs
found, poor reports from school or work, weight
loss etc.
Third, hold the young person
responsible for their own choices:
Remind them that you cannot rescue them from harm
that they bring on themselves, whether it is caused
by drug use or not. Clearly state your own expectations,
such as that they remain drug-free, that they
get up on time, that they avoid bad language,
etc.
Fourthly, offer support or sanctions:
Offer the young person as much support as they
need, if they are making an effort to change their
behaviour for the better.
Clearly state what you will do if they do not
change their behaviour. You yourself must decide
what sanctions are appropriate, if any.
Please note that as a parent, you cannot “make”
a son or daughter change their behaviour. You cannot
“make” a young person not take drugs (once they
have reached independence). Each person controls
their own behaviour.
If the person changes the behaviour, you should
acknowledge this and give credit where it is due.
However it is important to recognise that the person
may choose not to change, in which case you must
choose what you yourself will do next.
9. Seek help.
Children do not come supplied with an “owner’s manual”.
In any case, most people do not read instruction
manuals. In relation to children and drugs, however,
parents are well advised to ask for help. You have
made a start by looking at this website. For further
help go to our Live Helper service or call us on
(01) 836 0911
(B)
For Parents when a son or daughter has a PROBLEM
arising from drug use.
First, attend to YOUR OWN NEEDS. The first 4 points
are about YOU.
1. Don't Panic.
Many parents have survived drug-use by a son or
daughter. A moment of crisis can become a turning-point
for the better.
2. Get your own feet on solid ground.
If you want to help someone in a swamp or a bog,
you have to have your own feet on solid ground.
Families often get drawn in to the “swamp” of a
drug misuser. Talk to other people before you tackle
the drug user, so that you are clear and reasonably
calm. [link]
3. Understand your powerlessness and your
power.
A.A. and Al Anon teach us that we are "powerless"
to stop an alcoholic from drinking.
There is nothing that an adult can say or do that
is guaranteed to "make" the young person
never use an illegal drug, even if that person is
our son or daughter. No adult can be expected to
watch over a 16 or 18 year old all day long. Parents
can sometimes spend long sleepless nights searching
in their heads for a magic formula that will make
the young person change, but unfortunately this
search is in vain.
Our power lies in being able to take responsibility
for what we ourselves do. For example
- We can consult friends, family members or counsellors.
- We can with-hold pocket money or other privileges.
- If there are serious threats of violence, we
can involve the Gardaí.
- We can still make plans for a holiday for the
family.
4. Take care of the family.
Parents of a drug user often find themselves disagreeing
with their partner or spouse, and tending to blame
the partner. Two heads are much better than one.
If you and your partner have different approaches,
that’s great. Each approach will have its own value
in its own time.
Don't neglect the other family members.
5. Trust your instincts.
If you suspect the young person of using drugs,
you have either seen or heard something that has
tipped you off. You don't have to disclose your
source of information!
6. Don't ignore the drug use.
If the young person put muddy feet on a good chair,
you wouldn't ignore it, so why ignore it if the
person uses a drug?
7. Carefully consider the outcomes.
Ask yourself (and your partner, if you have one):
what outcome do we want? Probably you want your
son or daughter to become a self-managing, happy,
healthy, responsible human being, and you desperately
hope that he or she will not ruin their own life
or anybody else's by using drugs.
8. Don't waste time looking for confessions
of "guilt".
Most young drug users will not readily admit their
drug use to a parent. But this does not matter.
Even without that certainty, there is a lot you
can do.
9. Preparation for Intervention
Choose your time to talk to the young person about
your concerns. It may help to have another person
or two present, to avoid angry outbursts.
Prepare well
Talk to other adults, perhaps phone a counsellor,
meet anyone else who will be present.
Focus on the visible harm.
You can't usually tell whether a person has taken
a drug or not, so focus on the visible harmful effects,
such as poor exam results, not getting up in the
morning, strange phone calls, undesirable friends,
strange smells, mood swings, law-breaking, unacceptable
language. Make a list of these in advance, if it
helps you.
10. The Intervention meeting
This is subtle. You don’t try to change the other
person (the drug user). You leave them responsible
for their own choices. But you clearly spell out…
(a) the harm that you see happening as a result
of what they are doing and
(b) what you will choose to do if they carry on
as before.
(i). Tell the young person why you are concerned,
focusing on the visible harm.
(ii). Remind him or her of your love, and that
you want to help him/her to be happy and well.
(iii). Talk about your fear that the harmful
effects may be caused by drug use.
(iv). Remind him (or her) that you can not and
will not assume responsibility for keeping him
out of trouble and free from drugs. This is his/her
responsibility.
(v). Indicate what is unacceptable to you and
clearly spell out what you will do if the unacceptable
behaviour continues. [ You need to think about
this in advance.]
(vi). Say that if s/he needs help to change
the unacceptable or harmful behaviours, you will
provide all the support you can, as long as the
young person too is making an effort.
(C)
After the intervention
Be prepared to be tested; stick to your promises.
Don't "enable" or make it easy for the
person to go on using drugs by rescuing them, giving
them money, paying off debts, making excuses for
them, covering up for them, etc.
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