Dear
Concerned friend,
It's not unusual for people to get defensive
when friends approach them about excessive
drinking. It's also normal for you and
the others who have been trying to help,
to feel frustrated, defeated, sad, and
at a loss for what to do next. Your friends
are lucky to have such a dedicated and
persistent person looking out for their
well-being.
Here are some pointers to get you started:
Approach each of your friends
separately. Although it might
seem like their situations are similar,
they are sure to appreciate being treated
as unique individuals.
Choose times when your friends
are sober. This may be a challenge,
since you mention that they're drinking
to excess daily. Perhaps you can invite
them out for coffee, or catch them at
school, where they might be less likely
and able to drink.
Talk with your friends in a quiet,
private environment. This will
give you an opportunity to concentrate,
and will lessen feelings of embarrassment
and self-consciousness for your friends.
No one likes to have their weaknesses
pointed out in front of a staring crowd
of on-lookers.
Rehearse ahead of time. This will give
you an opportunity to explore what you'd
like to say, how to say it, and prepare
you for the possible responses. If you
would like try practising with our "Live
Helper" service or with another
concerned friend, or with a supportive
family member.
Do some research. Before
talking with your friends, investigate
the resources available. Find out if your
counselling service has drop-in hours,
if any self-help or support groups meet
on or near you, and if there's an alcohol
and other drug specialist available.
You can also check out hotlines or web
sites that you think might be helpful
to your friends (http://www.dap.ie).
You can even write this information down
and give it to your friends when you talk
with them.
There are a number of different techniques
that can be helpful when approaching your
friends. You can use various combinations,
based on what's comfortable for you, how
well you know your friends, and what you
know has (or hasn't) been successful in
the past.
Be specific. Tell your
friends what you've noticed about their
behaviour and what concerns you. For example,
you could say, "I've noticed that
lately you've been drinking a lot, and
often. I'm worried because it seems like
it's having an effect on your schoolwork."
Identify their behaviour, rather
than criticising their character. Say,
"Your drinking seems to be getting
in the way of your friendships,"
rather than, "You're a pathetic drunk
and a real loser."
Tell them how their drinking affects
you. Very often, people don't
realise that their behaviour has an impact
on other people. Tell your friends how
their excessive drinking has made you
feel, how it's affecting your day-to-day
life, and how it could affect your friendship.
Use "I" statements such as,
"I don't feel comfortable with the
way you've been drinking lately. I find
it hard to spend time with you because
when you're drunk, you act like a different
person."
Explore some of the underlying
causes for their drinking. Your
perceptiveness is a great asset. You are
right to think that your friends' romantic
frustrations could be contributing to
their excessive drinking. Very often people
turn to drugs when faced with extra stress,
heartache, or fear. Your friends need
to find other ways of coping — and talking
with you about their worries can be a
first step. You can start the conversation
with, "Hey, I know you've been under
a lot of stress lately. What's going on?"
or, "How have you been feeling since
you and ____ broke up?"
Challenge your friends to think
about their behaviour. They
may be drinking out of habit, since it's
sometimes hard to try something new. Or,
maybe they're so overwhelmed with their
troubles that they don't know what else
to do. You can offer to hang out with
your friends, step in when the urge to
drink strikes, or plan diversions. You
can also ask your friends to try drinking
less. Some people have had success suggesting
that a friend "test" their habit
by going out and relaxing, without getting
drunk.
Present
options. Your friends might not
be ready to spill their guts right away.
They also might not want to admit that
they may have a drinking problem. If you've
opened up the door, though, they'll be
more likely to look to you for help when
they are ready. You can offer specific
assistance, or simply make an open-ended
offer. Here are some examples that others
have found useful:
-
"I would be happy to go with you
to a counsellor. We could even call
together now to make an appointment."
- "Well,
just know that I'm thinking of you.
If you need anything, let me know, okay?"
- "I've
heard that there's an AA (Alcoholics
Anonymous) close by. Maybe you could
go check it out — and I could come if
that would be helpful."
- "There's
this really cool web site that has loads
of information about ways to drink in
a healthy way. Feel free to have a look
on my computer."
You can use any or all of these suggestions.
The bottom line, though, is that your
friends will need to recognise for themselves
the ways in which their drinking is interfering
with the rest of their lives. You can
be supportive and offer suggestions, but
they have to be motivated from within,
too. Also, be sensitive to your own needs
during this time. It's important to set
limits as to how much time and energy
you are going to put into trying to help
these friends. In the long run, this will
prevent you from becoming tired, resentful,
or overwhelmed, and you will also be modelling
some healthy self-care behaviour.
Other help available
We have our "Live Advice" service
available online - check the home page
to see when it's available.
Check
our Interactive
Map to find your nearest help centre.
We
also have a counselling service available
here at our offices just phone on (01)
836-0911.
Take care and if I can be of further help
just write.
The Drugs Awareness Team
|
